I MISS YOU FIERCELY GIRL!
...Grief is something I will never get over. It is something I will walk through and learn how to manage and live with. I have no other choice...life moves me on...forces me to mold a new path.
You looked at me with eyes of love; you never held a grudge. You thought I was far too wonderful to criticize or judge. You are superior to any human I've ever known.
August 17, 2008 - Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, which I haven't mastered yet. I am trying with all I have in me. I miss you fiercely girl, and I always will.
October 5, 2008 - Missing you pretty girl...missing you every moment of every day. I love you!
January 3, 2009 - I looked up at the sky the other day and was in awe of its beauty...then, I suddenly realized it's beautiful because you are up there...missing you no less my sweet angel Ebony.
January 17, 2009 - "An Animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language." ~ Martin Buber
October 14, 2009 How do I relieve my pain? I do not understand how to do this alone. My heart aches...my soul hurts to the core...I just want my baby back! I will NEVER be the same will I? I am thankful for all the years we shared together, but I do not like life without my precious "labrador angel." I beg you to comfort my shattered heart.
November 11, 2009 Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
On this 13th day of February 2010, I am sending a dove with a parcel on its wings. Be careful when you open it because it is full of many beautiful things. Inside are a million kisses wrapped up in a million hugs...just to say how much I love you my precious angel. I am sending you all my love. Mom
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world....but then it flies again and though we wish it could have stayed...we feel blessed to have seen it."
"What the caterpillar percieves as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.
Ebony and her brother were found in a filthy trash dumpster on a hot day in December 1995. Per the vet, they were approximately six weeks old, and that's how I came up with Ebony's birth date. Someone heartlessly discarded her and her dear little brother, and left them to die. Ebony was brought to me near death by some neighborhood boys. Sadly her precious little brother who I named Prince was already gone when the boys found them. God sent me a special gift that day and I graciously accepted. I pampered my new girl back to health, and dedicated my life to her. My life would be forever changed. Ebony was my anchor...my best friend...my girl...my everything...the reason I finally straightened up my life and really wanted to live right. She was the best girl a mom could ever hope for. A piece of my heart went with Ebony when she died, and will stay with her forever. How does one ever say the right thing or possibly give enough honor to "someone" they love so very much? Thankfully, this site will give me the opportunity to share our memories, tell Ebony's story and put my feelings into words.
I AM LOST EBONY. I don't know what to do without you. I am so sorry I did not take more pictures of you. I guess I just never thought about you being gone...I feel so sad...so very sad that I only have a handful of pictures after all those years. Would you please guide me my angel, to say the right words, to say everything you would be proud of? There is so much to say to you and about you, and I want to be sure and give you the honor you so richly deserve. I am so empty now. Oh what a pretty girl you are!!! My precious Angel Ebony...I MISS YOU more with every day that passes. It is devastating that we had to say good-bye so soon. I feel like I failed...I should have had you longer...13, 14, 15 years...forever!
I am so deeply sorry Ebony...I didn't know you were sick my precious girl...you hid it so well from me. I thank you from the very deepest place in my heart that belongs to only you for giving me 11 1/2 of the most marvelous years of my life, and for chosing me to be your mom. I will cherish our memories and alll the love we shared forever. Although I will always feel robbed of you, I was so blessed to have you for my girl for the precious years we shared. Oh how my heart aches...it aches so deep I cannot explain it in words. What a marvelous gift God granted me when he blessed me with you. What a treasured memory you will always be! I will keep my love for you and all our memories, in your very own special place in my heart, until my journey here on earth is done. THANK YOU for rescuing me and changing my life! I truly do not know the path I would have taken, if it hadn't been for you...thank you so much Ebony. MY LIFE WAS FOREVER CHANGED the day we met...
...I woke up Saturday morning April 21, at 7:20am, and found you lying on your side barely breathing with your arms (legs) stretched out in front of you like you were reaching for me...your beautiful eyes were glazed...you were not responding to anything...my worst nightmare was beginning. I knew when I woke up and found you that you were trying with all your strength to make your way to me so you could let me know something was wrong. Something had gone terribly wrong during the night while I was sleeping. I am so sorry my precious baby that I was not awake for you when you needed me. I didn't know anything was wrong girl...I didn't even know you were sick. The thought that you needed me and I wasn't awake for you will remain an open wound in my heart for the rest of my life. On that dreadful day...the morning I rushed you to the doctor...I had no idea it would end up being our goodbye.
...somehow we made it to the clinic. During our four mile drive, all I remember is stopping at those red lights and taking the pictures that are on your "Last Day" page...everything else is a haze. We pulled up at the back door of the clinic five minutes before Doctor Guajrdo arrived. As he was getting out out of his truck, I was crying and out of control. I tried so hard to be calm, but I felt like I was losing my mind. I told him I thought you were dying...I was begging him to please save you, as we carried you inside the clinic together. We layed you on the table, and Doctor Guajardo told me to have a seat in the waiting room because he wanted to start running some tests on you immediately so we would know what the next step would be. He came out to the lobby and told me to go home and he would call me within a couple of hours with the results. Ebony, I truly thought you would be treated and be able to come home with me soon. I thought they'd make you better...I didn't think this nightmare was going to continue. I received a call about 45 minutes after I got home, and the doctor told me when they started you on the IV fluids and began to prepare you for the x-rays you went into cardiac arrest. He stated that he was able to revive you, but that I needed to get back there immediately, as he didn't think you were going to make it. I don't remember the drive back to the clinic...all I remember is leaving home and then I was pulling into the clinic's parking lot. The staff allowed me to join you immediately when I arrived. I felt like I was walking through someone elses path...not ours. This couldn't be happening...this couldn't be true. Ebony, if I'd known you were so close to leaving me that morning, I NEVER would have come back home to wait for the doctor to call with the results...I promise you girl that I would have stayed by your side every second until the end. Please forgive me...I'm so deeply sorry honey. I really thought you were going to be okay, and I would bring you back home!
Doctor Guajardo said that the x-rays showed a large mass inside your tummy, and it had apparently burst causing internally bleeding...you were bleeding to death. It felt like someone reached inside me and began physically tearing at my heart and stomach. I felt like it was my fault for not knowing sooner...for not seeing a sign, so I asked the doctor what I should have done different...I was literally being "shredded" inside. It was an agony I cannot explain in words. The doctor said there would have been no way to tell because there were no visible signs. You had no swollen lymph nodes, no fever, no nothing...other than a hidden monster inside you that had been working for months on taking you away from me. Doctor Guajardo had cared for you since you were a baby so he knew your history. He told me I had done everything right and it was not was not my fault for not knowing. He looked at me and said, "Carole, she is very ill, and I think you know what needs to be done...there is nothing more we can do for her." I lost it baby girl!!! My heart and mind were SCREAMING God no, why now...why so soon...why my precious angel? Ebony, I am so sorry I ever had to make the decision to send you to eternal rest honey, but it was so you would not suffer. You were barely breathing...there was nothing more we could do for you...your life had completed its journey. You were being called to your eternal resting place.
As you were slipping away into your eternal sleep, I collapsed on your side sobbing and telling you I loved you over and over until you took your last breath. A minute or so before you went to sleep you used all the strength left in your weak body to raise your head up, and you looked directly into my eyes with those beautiful brown eyes of yours...we were "locked" in the moment. I felt you girl...I felt you trying to tell me goodbye. Thank you so much honey. That picture of your pretty face looking at me will stay in my mind forever...until we are together again wrapped in each others arms. Then, we will never have to let go of each other again. I prayed for a miracle that day Ebony...but instead I found out that it was your time to go. What am I going to do? Now a very special chapter in my life is over, a chapter that I will forever be grateful for...a chapter that will be forever imbedded in my heart and memories. It was so hard to let you go. I will keep your love here with me that made me strong while you were alive.
Your life ended peacefully while we were saying good-bye...while you were safely wrapped in my arms, at 9:32am Saturday morning. A huge piece of my heart went with you, and a part of me died when you took your last breath. If I could give five years of my life to have you back for one more, the deal would have already been made. I love and cherish you so much!
I give "special thanks" to Dr. Guajardo and his staff at the Colina Veterinary Clinic. I cannot say thank you enough times to express the gratitude I feel for the care you gave Ebony since she was a baby. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying so hard to save her life. I will be grateful to all of you forever for your excellent care, understanding and compassion.
My precious Ebony, I've been crying every day since you left me. Thank God I found this place to remember you and keep you alive. I miss you so very much black beauty...my "Labrador Angel". My heart is broken in a million pieces, and I can hardly think straight. I feel lost...there is a huge void in my heart...an empty space that you use to fill...now filled with only the precious memories we shared. Oh my dear Lord please...please help me...I am hurting so bad! The grief is unbearable...so far beyond what I ever thought it could possibly be. With the grief comes the agony that goes along with losing such a divine "child". Ebony, I was numb and in disbelief that you were taken from me so abruptly, and it has begun sinking in that you are really gone. I don't know how to deal with this pain. This just doesn't seem real...you are not supposed to be gone. Yes, I will celebrate your life and the time we shared together, but with the celebration comes the memories that turn into rivers of tears because I miss and love you so much...because I don't have you with me anymore. I know we will see each other one day again, and I thank God every time I look at you that I was blessed to know such an awesome girl. You taught me so much about unconditional love and trust. Ebony, you truly changed me forever.
We had so much fun at doggie park last week...I will never forget that last "special" day we spent together. I will always have that picture in my mind of you jumping out of the car and racing across the park to say hi to all your doggie friends. You were so friendly to everyone, so gentle, and such a goofy girl (Ebby, Bebbly, Bebby, Debby, Debbylou, Ebbylou...you knew all your nicknames). I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! I miss your array of unique talking sounds, your sweet shampoo smell (you always smelled so fresh), your smile, your soft ears, your touch, your warm personality, the gentle way you took treats out of my hand, your jealous howls while I was on the phone talking, your slobber at doggie park (you would slobber all over when you got excited...you even had your very own slobber towel), your cute dancing when you would get excited, the way you wrapped your arms around my neck when you hugged me, your beautiful brown soul filled eyes (they told me how much you loved me), bumping your nose on the front door knob and burying your nose in my purse to find the car keys when you wanted to go bye-bye, the way you bowed your head down when I would kid with you (you acted bashful)...I MISS EVERY SINGLE thing about you...my heart aches so deeply...you were my child.
If something should happen to me along the way, as I travel the rest of my journey here on earth, I will surely try and come to wherever you are. You will always be kept in a special place in my heart baby. You are so beautiful, and such a special girl. I will thank God every day for the rest of my life for giving me the honor to know you. I thank you for your gift of unconditional love, and some of the most wonderful years of my life. Thank you for allowing me to be your mom. You were a perfect child! Watch for me in heaven baby. Until we meet again "Ebbylou", tell the Angels hello. I will love you forever and ever, even after..... It's ok to go on now pretty girl...run across heaven's fields and let those soft silky ears fly in the wind like you did at doggie park....With undying and the deepest love I could ever express, forever and ever, Mommy.
01/27/08 - I LOVE YOU EBONY...I miss you so much. Thank you again pretty girl for allowing me to be your mom. You made me so happy. I still pace the floor in disbelief...I lost my precious Ebony...my heart feels such deep pain. Please...please tell me how to stop my tears. What can I do to ease my pain??? The tears keep falling...my heart is bleeding, as I lay down to sleep my eyes are wide open…flashes of my past...I lost my precious Ebony...memories float around in my mind going back in time...the time that passed by so quickly...the time I shared with my precious “Labrador Angel”. I am blowing a kiss to you girl...please catch it. Luv forever, mommy.
Every tear is a prism through which I see,
a rainbow of emotions and memories.
You will never know true happiness
until you have truely loved!
And you will never understand what
pain really is until it's gone!
I call your name and I don't hear your bark anymore. I want to know your at home and everything is all right, but it's not. I'm empty, sad, heart broken. They say time heals all wounds. With all my Heart & soul...I love you.
Though fate has led you to another place, every moment will hold meaning that time can never erase. The tears in my eyes I can wipe away, the ache in my heart will forever stay.