To my precious boy Noops
This is my letter of apology to you. You see i carry a lot of guilt surrounding your last day. You were always fit and healthy and im so grateful for that. The vet commented on how your heart and condition were in good shape for your age. I never thought you’d get old, I truly believed that. Even when you had seizures, you’d bounce back like nothing happened. When you collapsed in the garden and i picked you up, I knew something was wrong. Because you starting fitting at a late age, the vet said it wasen’t true epilepsy as that starts at an early age. Your seizures, were a suspected brain tumour when all other blood tests revealed nothing. They later dismissed a tumour as you had no other symptoms. Vets believed you’d suffered a bleed on your brain and that caused the fits.
I always told friends i’d never be able to stay with you while you were PTS and how could i make that desicion. As it turned out you made the decision for me. After your collapse you just weren’t yourself. You looked at me with vacant eyes. People have asked me what i mean by that and i cant explain. I just knew something wasent right boy. I called the emergency vet and she advised putting you in a quiet place and letting you rest and take you to the vets in the morning.
This is where most of my guilt starts. You see i knew our time was coming to an end and i was cut in two, and scared. I knew tomorrow would be my greatest test of my love for you. I had to stay with you until the end. No one else me. I’ve read so many memorials of precious, loving last moments spent together. I gave you none of those last precious hugs and moments on your last night at home. Instead i paced and was so anxious.
The next morning i was like stone. I had to keep it together, if i broke down before we got to the vets i’d never have got there and i knew it was your time, you told me. I loved you more than anything and i couldn’t remember life before you and i didn’t want to spend life without you, but i couldn’t let you suffer. I was scared, really scared. Before the children went to school i told them to give you a big hug, a really big hug. I knew this would be their last one. I never told them directly you wouldn’t be here when they came from school, i just hinted. If they cried, i’d cry and i couldn’t fall to pieces. As they said their goodbyes i walked out into the garden. Noops it broke my heart but i couldn’t think about what was happening.
Our travel to the vets was sombre, I was just blanking out what was happening. My heart was racing. I felt sick. I was so so scared. I couldn’t let you down. I had to do this for you and stay until you took your last breath.
When we arrived you tried to walk but you were slow and you staggered. I picked you up and carried you in my arms. The vet comfirmed what i knew, it was your time. I told her i was scared, watching your life slip away. She explained what was about to happen and she left us alone for as long as she wanted.
Somehow, something changed at that point within me. I was much calmer. I held you and talked to you, even though i had a great big lump in my throat choking me. I was determined not to cry whilst you still had breath in your body. As the vet came back with a nurse she asked if i wanted to leave. No way! I was holding my boy right until the end. I held you so tight, I felt you slip between my arms. The vet confirmed your heart had stopped beating. It was then i cried a bucket of tears over your body.
Im so sorry i never hugged and told you how much i loved you the night before. If only i did, maybe i’d have found my calm just like i did at the vets. Plese understand it was only because i was scared. Scared i’d let you down at the last minute and not been able to stay with you. If i hadn’t i’d never have been able to forgive myself. You calmed me down Noops, you told me it was ok to let you go.
Im sorry for all the wrong things i’ve done Noops. But know, I love you with all my heart and always will. I held you the day you were born and i held you when you took your last breath.
My life is so much richer for sharing the love we experienced. I cant change the past and i’ll always wish i made our last night at home special like so many other nights snuggling together.
Please forgive me.