This is my second letter to you since you have died. I remember that horrible day last August. I remember holding your big body in my arms as you fought such a horrible seizure. I have been able to block out that time of my life for so long, but was remembered and jarred by a dream you came and visited me last night. I dont know why you wnated me to remember your death, as it was so agonizing slow and violent, but this was my first dream of you.
I miss you. I still have some of your hair. Shiloh, why did you wait for me to die? Is it because you didnt want to go alone? I dont think I could have handled it if I came out there and you had died all by yourself.
Mom was in the hospital then, and there was just nothing I could do to make your comfortable. You lay out on that porch and Jenny said you screamed throughout the night. I cant bear to know you were in more pain than I originally thought.
I know you didnt want to die alone and that is why you waited for me to come and see you, and hold all 65 pounds of you against my heart. It was only moments after I came to you that you started to die, and I remember screaming your name when you whined and cried out. You had a seizure. In my arms, and I yelled at you. When I yelled at you, you made one final scream and then you went. You were gone.
Jenny watched this from the door and asked "Is she dead" and all of a sudden you made another large breath and stuck out your tongue...you were gone. You died in my arms. You died such an agonizing death and I will never forgive my self for not finding someone to come and put you down so you wouldnt have been in pain.
I was your caretaker and that was my job. But instead you fought agonizing pain for 2 whole days. I will never forgive myself for as long as I live. I am so sorry for the way you died. YOu were one of the best dogs in the world.
Were you there to greet Picky when he came to you less than a month later? We always knew that you 2 would die within time with one another. We knew it forever, but I wish is wasnt true. I wish you didnt die like you did.
I am angry because no one talks about you. No one says your name. But Mom says she does think of you every night.
I am so sorry Shiloh. I miss you so much and wish you were here to sit on my bed again. I know you no longer feel pain....thank God, and you are free to run and play without a tired old body taking its toll on you. Please know I love and miss you very much and long to search for more pictures of you.
I love you Shiloh. I miss syou and I'm sorry
PS. Picky, I lov eyou and I miss you more than this whole wide world :0( It never gets any better.